nsily

Advanced Relationship Skills

Couples - Families - Singles - Seniors

From
W. Shuford Davis, Ph.D

Never Say "I Love You"

Here are several solid reasons, based on years of clinical experience, to never say "I love you" in the first six months of dating.

Never say “I Love You” (NSILY) in the first six months of dating. We are a gushy culture and tend to use the “L” word way too soon and way too intensely for what is actually going on in the relationship. I know romance and hormones kick into warp speed when we think we are “in love,” but it takes time to be in love. You have to know someone to love them and knowing takes at least six months.

NSILY until you take a cold shower of reality verses the inevitable rush to seriousness caused by idealization and romanticism. More relationships are ruined because one or both persons pushes for seriousness too quickly. Like the tortoise slow and steady wins the race.

NSILY until you take a rigorous personal inventory. How much have you changed inwardly or outwardly to please the other person? Do you really like you with the changes or are you faking it? Try to make the same assessment of your dating partner. Many folks have seen or been promised changes only to see them disappear after ILY is expressed.

NSILY until you consider the honest opinions of friends and family. Some parents believe no one is ever good enough for their child but work through this with friends. Beware of liking someone because it pisses parents off. Mate selection by “up your’s” is rarely successful. If other people who love you raise concerns at least listen.

NSILY when you describe your date like this: “ I know he/she is _______(fill in the blank with bad behavior, character, or choices) BUT I can change him/her or she/he will change for me, or the worst rationalization of all, ‘he/she is so sweet’.”

Listen to yourself. If you are explaining away your date’s problems to get to the good parts, what does that mean? Pay attention to how hard you are working to makes the sleaze look good.

NSILY because the sex is good. NSILY before, during or after sex. Sex ain’t got nothing to do with it. In fact couples that allow the physical intimacy to rush ahead of the emotional intimacy are often in the awkward state of making love but not being in love. It is tough to make feelings catch-up with sexual involvement if they are not there. If guilt kicks in there is a heavy burden to make self feel a certain way because the body got over committed. Slow down the hormonally charged urge for sexually intimacy until the emotions have sorted out fact from fiction.

NSILY because you think you have found the perfect person for you. Perfect always looks good up front. You are suppose to act in ways the other person will like. Time allows you to see the other person at their best and worst and vice versa. Anger, conflict, abuse are the behaviors that tear relationships apart. Cheating, lies, and half-truth undermine trust. If these are there, they will likely emerge in six months if we have our blinders off.

These are the seven reasons you should Never Say “I Love You” in the first six months of dating.