adult-adult

Advanced Relationship Skills

Couples - Families - Singles - Seniors

From
W. Shuford Davis, Ph.D

Developing an Adult - Adult Relationship with Your Parent

Developing an adult-adult relationship with your parent requires the ability to say “NO” without anger, without guilt and with love.

Without Anger: Often the adult child falls into the pattern of saying compliant “yeses” to parental requests and demands until a boil over point and the “no” is said in anger. This leads to guilt and continuing the compliant pattern until the next blow-up. A spouse or friend may urge the adult child to stand up to the parent, but with the same result. We have to be independent enough from our parent to say the adult - adult “NO” without anger. It is the “no” we would use with a friend if we did not want to do something. Friends accept a “no” without it being seen as rebellion or defiance. If the parent sees the “no” as rebellious they may be struggling with allowing their adult child to grow-up.

Without Guilt: The late Erma Bombeck was fond of saying, “Guilt is the gift that keeps on giving.” Compliant, pleaser personalities have difficulty with anyone being upset with them especially a parent. Even if they can utter an occasional meek “no” they feel guilty and often act in overly compliant ways toward the parent as a guilt offering for being a bad child. Adult - adult relating does not operate with guilt manipulation. It operates with respect that each is dealing with an equal. It is based on honest, open communication which allows for disagreement without either person feeling less loved or cherished.

With Love: You can tolerate a lot of difference between you and your parent if each of you knows you are loved. You can love each other even if you do not agree. It is a tragedy of our culture that families our alienated and cutoff from each other over what is seen as irreconcilable differences. Healthy adult - adult relating requires an abiding love for each other. A mutual recognition by both parent and child that the child is now an adult represents the fundamental shift in the relationship to adult - adult status.